Joy

Right now I'm sitting in the basement, slightly exhausted and trying to pack for vacation but so full of joy.  Today was one of those days where all of the things I love seemed to collide into one perfect day.  This morning I went with my friend Melissa to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh because her oldest son was having surgery and I had newborn baby duty....needless to say I was super excited.  I love, love, love babies and it was so refreshing and joyful to take care of Isiah today.  He was the most pleasant baby; smiling and curling up on my shoulder to sleep.  I can't explain to you how much joy that brought me.  I also had the chance to push him around in his stroller up to the 6th floor where there was an event going on for the patients.  While I was up there, I saw several of the Child Life staff and we chatted.  Once, Melissa was settled with Elias (the oldest) in the hospital room, I took the baby back down, said my goodbyes (after being pooped on haha) and went up to the 9th floor to visit a Sara, a patient and camper I know from my summers at Crestfield.  Sara and some of the patients on the floor played Apples to Apples and then Sara and I played a video game in her room.  I also got my Sarah's Army shirt!  I can't wait to represent Sara's Army this next week in North Carolina :).

Although at first glance my day seems like any other day and almost sad because I spent a majority of it within a hospital, it was a day that filled me with so much joy.  Even though Elias had to have surgery and Sara is fighting the battle of her life against leukemia, I found so much joy in spending my Thursday within the walls of CHP with Melissa and her children, as well as Sara and her mom.  I realized how much I love my life and how much spending time with people is my passion.  I was thinking about it on the bus ride home today and I realized that it took me two years and a stay in a foreign country to realize how much I love where I am in life.  It took living in a place where my comfort was yanked away and coming back to what I had previously found unexciting, to realize how much I love it.  People hold babies all the time and many people I know have young babies, but today I got to hold Isiah and feel that joy that a small baby brings to you when he smiles and cuddles up in your arms.  I was made aware of how much God is a wonderful creator and how He gives us new life in the form of these little ones to remind us that joy can sometimes be simple; that it doesn't have to be brought on by things or money or a certain status....it can be just being held and being around people who love you.  Today I realized how amazing it is to walk into a room and see people who know you and who you have formed relationships with because of your common passion of working with sick children.  I realized how amazing it is to laugh with these people and see them as more than just coworkers but as people who are funny and love to laugh and who you can joke with.  I can't tell you how amazing it was to walk onto that floor today and have several people come over to me just to talk.  I wish I had more elegant words to describe that joy I felt as I stood talking to Becky (Child Life Assistant in the PICU) while rocking Isiah to sleep in his stroller.  It was like I felt "home" in that moment, being in a place where my passion for working with sick children and families can be unleashed to do some good and help people.  I think what made that part of the day so wonderful was that I walked into CHP today not as a volunteer and not as a practicum student, but as a visitor and still the staff of Child Life treated me like family.  I loved that. :)

I also learned today about what it really means to care about other people in the midst of a trial.  Sara was just diagnosed with AML, form of leukemia, in April.  She just finished her freshman year of high school and was competing as a swimmer, track runner, and dancer.  This cancer diagnosis derailed those things for the time being and on top of that, her treatment protocol requires her to be inpatient at CHP for weeks at a time.  But even with all that, you want to know what she asked me?  She asked me if I was excited for my vacation.  She asked me who I was going with and how long I would be there.  She told me how much fun I was going to have and that she hoped I had a good time.  Is that a glimpse of God or what?  Does this young girl, of only 14 years, emulate the way that Jesus cared for us even when He knew that there were people out there wanting to take His life?  There are times when Sara can't even leave the floor let alone get in a car to go on vacation but she wanted to make sure that I was excited and ready for my adventure.  I think most people, including myself would be frustrated, mad, depressed, and jealous watching all the people around me  have the freedom to go out and have fun and make choices of where they wanted to go instead of being told what to do by doctors and nurses.  This 14 year old girl showed me what it means to be unselfish and caring regardless of the circumstances.  Sara reminded me today of how much it can mean to someone when you ask them about something they are excited about.  She reminded me today of the strength of people who have God behind them as they walk through a trial.  Again, I feel like my words here are inadequate to describe how much I saw God in my day.  It may seem like a simple day on paper but it was an absolutely eye opening day to the joy and the glory of God that I definitely took advantage of before I experienced life in Guatemala.  I feel so encouraged and hopeful and joyful for what the future will bring and praise God for showing me again and again how wonderful He is. :)

sweet, sweet Isiah napping on my lap :).

Sara and I after our apples to apples game and video game time filled with laughter and smiles and plain old fun.  In this photo, I'm wearing my newly acquired Sara's Army shirt!  Who wouldn't want to support a girl (and a family) that is so filled with joy even during this time?  :)

Live Like Someone Left the Gate Open

I did it.  Two months in another country where English is not the language with people I have never met.  Yes there were times when it was hard and some days seemed to be a struggle, but my dream came true.  I'm sitting in the airport, two months under my belt thinking to myself that God is so wonderful that He was able to fulfill my dream of studying abroad in His own time.  I honestly never thought that I would get this chance being that grad school doesn't really allow the time for this unless it's research.  Ahhh its so crazy!  I have wanted an experience like this for as long as I can remember and in God's timing he made it happen.  I always pictured going to somewhere in Europe where they spoke English and it would be easier to fit right in.  No way God said.  I'm sure there are so many reasons why I ended up going to Guatemala instead of somewhere else, but whatever those reasons are, I feel so blessed.  I just really can't believe it. (have I said that....haha).

As you can see, the title of this post was inspired by the adorable picture above.  Another girl in the program who was also at my service placement showed it to me and I felt that it was so perfect in capturing the essence of this trip.  I left the States two months ago knowing very limited Spanish and only knowing one person.  I left not having any idea what the other people in my group would be like or knowing much about the culture.  In some ways, I feel like I lived life these past two months like someone left open not only the gate but they took away the whole darn fence.  What in the world was I thinking?  Why did I think it was a good idea to go to another country where I literally didn't even know how to ask for directions?  Because for some reasons God put it on my heart to go to another country, to step way out of my comfort zone, and trust Him.  I think He knew even more than I did that I needed to be removed from my "normal" and placed in a completely different setting that would force  me to trust in Him.  And oh man did I ever have to.  There is so much to process and so many things to thank God for as I leave Guatemala, but I know that no matter what He gave me this chance....the chance to run straight through the gate and live and love and laugh and feel joy and begin to learn what it means to live a life so different from mine.  Even through the hard times and the tears, I wouldn't have changed a thing.  I met some wonderful and fantastic friends on this trip.  If this opportunity wouldn't have come about, I would have never met these girls and that is so wild to me.  God placed us all in Guatemala for two months with only each other and Him to lean on.  It's crazy how He brings so many different people together to bond and count on one another when we otherwise would not have.

It is so strange that I am sitting in the airport taking my last glimpses of Guatemala for now.  I may be back, who knows?   Really, only God knows.  At this point, I'm okay with saying see you later.  I'm definitely ready to be back on US soil for a little and let the anxiety get back under control.  Up until two weeks ago, it was relatively smooth sailing and I really did not experience much anxiety.  For those of you who read past posts, you know that it eventually reared its ugly head lol.  With about two weeks left, I think I finally was overwhelmed by any anxiety I had been ignoring and had a pretty rough few days with panic attacks and just generally feeling overwhelmed.  I called my parents and had a good cry and also learned about how much grace and love they had for me.  My mom made sure to secure every form of communication she could to make sure that I was okay and my dad offered to bring me home right then and there if I wanted it.  Thankfully and only through God's strength, I was able to work through and manage the anxiety and do the best to take in the last few weeks I had.  I knew going into this trip that my anxiety may be a problem and I'm so happy and blessed that I was able to make it through.  I know there were times when I was trying to do it all myself and putting pressure on myself to control things that I could not like my health and money and God stopped me right there in those thoughts and told me to hold the phone.  I knew in my mind that He was the only one that could control these things but it took a few panic attacks and some tears to remind me who was in control.

There is so much to process and so much to be thankful for and I am excited to have this place to do that processing and wonderful people who care enough to want to walk this journey along side me.  For now, I'm going to enjoy my last few hours with an episode of Army Wives and finally let myself get excited about going home to the best family a girl could ask for.  I'm excited for the ridiculous movie line conversations and a yummy Pasta Too grilled cheese :).  Thanks to each and every one of you for the love and support you gave me as I ran full speed into one of the most amazing experiences I could have ever asked for :).

Come Fly with Me

I got to go zip lining on Sunday!!!  I had been looking forward to this excursion since before I had left and I can't believe it already came and went!  That not only means no more zip line (haha) but I come back to the States in less than a week!  But the good bye post where I process is for later....not ready to think about that yet haha.  Just wanted to share some photos of the zip line experience. :)  I'm excited to share the last few days of the trip with the wonderful friends that I have made here and to enjoy the last few days of this fantastic experience that God has blessed me with :).  Enjoy the photos!

the entrance to the zip line!

Asia, myself, Becky, Nicole, and Elizabeth all suited up and ready to go!

we're getting so excited!!!

Julia and I!  Not sure why the picture is smudgy lol.

Talia, myself, and Asia

me and the birthday girl Emily!!!

the zipline is on a nature reserve so we got to see some monkeys hanging from the trees hahah.

beautiful waterfall on our walk up the mountain :)

weeeeeeeeee!!!

gorgeous flower in the butterfly garden

I just thought these stares were really cool haha.

butterflies!! :-D

7 Quick Takes

1. Happy birthday to my host mom!  I am so happy that I was able to celebrate my host mom's birthday while I am here!  It resembled the birthday celebrations in my house in that it wasn't just a birthday but a birthday week....by the fourth day of saying happy birthday the kids starting saying "Mom please not again!" haha.  It was so wonderful to get to celebrate and be part of a family celebration.  I brought home a chocolate cake for my host mom which she loved!  It was a wonderful celebration all around :).  My host sister Alejandra was at  sleepover the night of the cake but we went out that Sunday and had a fun filled family dinner in town.

 2. Learning to be flexible.  This is a photo of the work space that my friend Taylor and I have at out organization Mayan Families.  I think we've been shuffled to a million different places while in the office and there used to be a couch where we are sitting here but that was moved to the new office.  I feel like this picture is the perfect representation of this trip...being flexible!

 3. New friends! Amber and I met randomly at church one Sunday and immediately bonded over our love for Army Wives haha.  It has been wonderful getting to know her and to feed off of her encouraging and positive spirit!

 (3.5 haha).  To say that Julia has been an encouragement to me this trip is an understatement haha.  She has been such a positive and encouraging friend from day one!  This is a picture of us at our friend's 21st birthday dinner!  

 4. If you can't go to the party, bring the party to you.  Happy 4th of July from Guatemala everyone!  Although I haven't been home for every 4th I  have at least been in the country lol.  This was a vastly different 4th of July than any other I had experienced but it was so  much fun all the same :).  Lindsey (far left) went across the lake to visit with some of the girls in Santiago and we celebrated the 4th in Guatemala in style haha.  We went to a restaurant owned by an American couple where they had burgers and red, white, and blue shots (haha) and brownies with ice cream.  So so much fun :).  

 4. Puppies! Okay if these aren't the most adorable little puppies I've seen, I don't know what is haha.  While on a home visit to a sponsored students house, one of the staff at Mayan families found a mom and her new born puppies in San Antonio.  They were so precious! :)

 5. My host brother and sister always know how to make me smile :).  On Wednesday evening I spent the night in Santiago for the 4th of July and then when I came home on Thursday evening my host sister Alejandra gave me a hug and said how much she missed me.  After unpacking, Alejandra, Jerico, and I played pictionary!  Who says you need the game with the boards and papers?  We just had fun together and enjoyed being together...no need for the name brand to make the time special.  

Tonight after dinner, I was talking Alejandra and Jerico about fall and the way the leaves change colors.  They ran off to find a book on fall to show me that they had heard of it and while they were gone my host mom came up behind me and quietly told me the cutest and saddest thing.  She said that before dinner, Alejandra had turned to her while they were in their shop and said "Why does Rachael have to leave?  This is too sad.  Is she going to come back soon?".  Talk about breaking my heart.  Part of the issues with my anxiety is struggling with people's approval...even the approval of a 9 year old.  To hear that Alejandra loves me like family and has been as blessed by our time together as I have been makes every hard time on this trip worth it.  I'm so excited to see home, family, and friends very soon but I'm not sure how to leave the people here who have become my second family.

 6. Say cheese! This coming week is going to be my last week with my kids at the preschool!  They have made my time here so amazing and all their hugs and smiles have  helped me so much!  This is a class photo that my host sister took last week when she came to work with me.  I'm planning on printing it off for each of the kids as something to remember me!  It's gonna be hard to leave these faces.  

7. Birthday celebrations! I think we've had a birthday almost every week for someone in our study abroad group haha.  This past Friday a bunch of the girls and I went out for Lindsey and Emily's birthdays.  It was so nice to have a girls night out!  We went to dinner and went dancing!  Literally so so much fun haha.   

Tomorrow is zip line day!!!  Wish me luck! hahah.  Can't wait to post some pictures!   As always God bless and thanks for reading :). 

Sisterly Inspiration

"I am with you and will watch over you where ever you will go,

and I will bring you back to this land.

I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you."

Genesis 28:15

The good Lord is taking care of me as I walk this journey and has not only blessed me with amazing people here and wonderful experiences that I wouldn't change for the world, but also with a fantastic support system back home like my wonderful sister.  He is with me where ever I go and what ever He calls me to do....talk about comforting :).  good night all!

Honesty

‎"...but the struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time... no, life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride..." ~ (quote from a friends FB status)


Today the idea of being in Guatemala for two more week seems like a struggle.  It seems endless and my anxiety seems to be working in overdrive because until a about 20 minutes ago I wasn't willing to admit that to myself.  It took a few dropped Skype calls and finally a phone call with my family to allow myself to admit to my mom and to myself that today it seems like a struggle.  It's funny how just the question, "honey whats wrong?" from mom can make those shaky walls of perceived strength crumble and allow me to fall into the 'arms' of my mamma and just have a good cry.  Of course my friends here understand and can empathize with that feeling and my host family is nothing but supportive but sometimes there is nothing like the kind words of family to give myself the permission to break down for a little bit and be sad for a little.  


A very wise man I know wrote these words in his blog back in October of 2011.  This post was talking about being ambivalent towards our inner feelings and how the body and mind will process them regardless of whether we give ourselves permission to or not.  It talks about the conflict that we can have as Christians when we want to believe those verses about God doing whats best for us but not always feeling that inside and how it's okay to admit that.  The words of this man were as follows:


"Finding yourself in a place where you can be honest about the way you feel, even when it does not make sense or jive with your better judgment, can save you from the stress that is caused by ambivalence."


"The truth is that we all experience stress-causing ambivalence from time to time. If we were to allow ourselves to be honest about the conflicting feelings we experience, we could alleviate some of the inner turmoil that we often explain away as ambiguous distress, sadness, or anxiety."

I thank God for blessing me with a wonderful, supportive family and for giving me a wise friend who has helped me so I am able to be in a place of being okay with processing my emotions.  Also for a sister who encourages me to still take advantage of every opportunity because this really is a once in a lifetime chance that I probably won't get again.  

Probably gonna try and get some homework done and hang out with my host brother and sister.  I feel so grateful every day that God has placed me in a family with such wonderful kids that make me laugh and smile.  Thanks as always for reading :).