Enjoying the Passengers Seat

"Faith never knows where it is being led; it knows and loves the One Who is leading. It is a life of faith, not of intelligence and reason, but a life of knowing Who is making me 'go.'" --Oswald Chambers, in Not Knowing Whither from the Quotable Oswald Chambers.

I can tend to a huge control freak.  I want to know where and when and how and want to be in charge of the way those things are answered.  There is something so freeing about getting to go on an adventure where things are spontaneous and spur of the moment but still even in those times there is a plan and an end goal to accomplish.  I feel like this move to Philly has completely ripped the map of control and predictability from my hands and left me behind the wheel not knowing which way I should go.  Sometimes my heart hurts so, so bad for the familiarity and knowledge of the atmosphere of home or college or even my brief stink in Mechanicsburg.  I miss that ease that can come with being in a place that is who you are and what you know and where you feel so comfortable with the people you are with they can at times feel a part of you. 

In just a little over two weeks, I will have been in Philadelphia for seven months.  Seven months of adjustment, new, adventure, fun, and some struggle.  Struggle to give up that control of where I want to lead and go from how I pictured my job to where I live to my social support system.  The ability that God has had to slowly break me down to a point of infantile trust has been humbling and truly hard at times.  I miss home and family some days I wish I could pick up and fly back to the BP, sitting on those familiar green couches of home with some Ellen, Bentley, and family.

Even with all that wishing and hoping for what is overly familiar, God continues to make my life “go” as Ozzy Chambers says….makes it go in wonderful, terrifying, exciting directions that I could have never planned.  Forces me to move on from that comfort zone of 20+ years and live fully dependent on Him.  Fully dependent on a God that yearns for us to come to Him with all of our anxieties and a heart of thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6) cause He’s got this in the bag.  I mean I will take a peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7) than any plan that my intelligence and reason could come up with.  A plan to bless me more than I can begin to ever be thankful for in caring and wonderful friends who have become a sort of family here….friends who have become family in my faith in spontaneous connect group sessions and relaxing meals full of laughter. 

I can venture to say that I am not the only one who can struggle from time to time with a heart that wants to take the drivers seat.  But I hope and pray, for myself and everyone I love, that we can do a quick switch at the next red light to let God get behind the wheel, and take in the beautiful scenery that is our life.  Nothing makes God happier than when we take that chance to trust Him and choose life in Him (Deuteronomy 30:19)…not life of our planned circumstances or what we dreamed those circumstances would be but a life in what He has so intricately planned and provides for our good.

Take home point:  struggles happen, God wants to hear them, choose life in Him for a life beyond what anyone could imagine….good night folks J   

Happy New Year, Happy Heart

Last night I had the chance to ring in the new year with some of my very wonderful friends from Messiah.  I knew it was going to be great fun with lots of laughs but I underestimated how wonderful it would be for my heart.  With a move to a new city, a new job with lots to learn, and living in a new home, my heart had been missing that genuine company of my Messiah family that I had come to love so, so quickly while living in Mechanicsburg.  Although I had only lived there for just over 6 weeks, the joy, laughter, and fun that ensued was so freaking great.  Each and every one of these girls in the pictures below (and those not as well!) gave me that rejuvenation I needed and I truly, full heartedly believe helped me to be in such a wonderful place to interview well and land my job at CHOP.  

I think the connection and bond of true friend cannot be overstated.  That connection that God gives each and every one of us with the people we can call our second family is something I have come to learn over my years of college, living in Guatemala, and moving about the state of PA post grad school.

Nothing particularly crazy or extraordinarily story worthy happened last night but I think I smiled and felt so happy for over an hour into my drive back to Philly.  A night of story telling, memory making, and reminiscing with people you genuinely connect with deep down just made my somewhat lonely heart filled.

I do not regret for even a fraction of a second moving and taking a job in a city where I knew very few.  I love what I do and truly feel that God has called me to this place and feel so unbelievably blessed to get the chance to put my passion into work.  But sometimes talking about that weekend you literally lost all of your possessions and had to call AAA to tow your car, making honest to goodness plans to play your own version of True American because you all are obsessed with New Girl, talking in British accents all the way to Hershey Kiss drop (or raise lol), dancing like fools to some teeny bopper band with everyone around us staring, and having long talks over pancakes and orange juice juice-boxes about all things medical breathes life into a heart that sometimes aches for that true connection of friends who have know you through so many of life's phases.

A lot of adjusting happens when a pretty major life change happens like moving to a new city and starting a new job.  These times come with a small amount of grieving for what was left behind and how some things in the new might be different.  I remember feeling so much of this when I was living in Guatemala.  There were times when the new and different was great but could overwhelm; but ultimately how from across countries my best friend in the whole world was able to lift my heart with strategic cards prepared well in advance to my trip and packed away in my suitcase for times when it was so needed.  I think that is what this New Year's Eve, on the brink of 2014, was….it was a strategically dated card that I could open and read just when I needed it; a shared experience that could be laughed about and rejuvenate the soul.  It was that reminder that although a lot of things have changed very quickly over the past few months that God brings you back together with those people who have become your second family to remind you that your foundation is still there; it might be living a little further away than you'd like but bring it all back together…it's like you were never apart :).

So here is to the happiest of New Year's to my Messiah family, my Pittsburgh family, my family family (lol), and my new family that is beginning to form here in Philly.  If I can be blessed with even half the joy, love, and happiness that my Messiah family has brought and still brings, I will be overjoyed.  And I just know that God has that and more planned as this new year begins and my new 'family' of friends is forming in a new city.  

I end this post with the wise words from the great Mr. Rogers:

“In the external scheme of things, shining moments are as brief as the twinkling of an eye, yet such twinklings are what eternity is made of -- moments when we human beings can say "I love you," "I'm proud of you," "I forgive you," "I'm grateful for you." That's what eternity is made of: invisible imperishable good stuff.” 

New Year's eve was only one night, 6 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of life, three girls nights are nothing to the days spent focused on work, but it sure does make for the 'good stuff' that I wouldn't trade for the world.  

Happy, happy 2014 everyone :).