Honesty

‎"...but the struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time... no, life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride..." ~ (quote from a friends FB status)


Today the idea of being in Guatemala for two more week seems like a struggle.  It seems endless and my anxiety seems to be working in overdrive because until a about 20 minutes ago I wasn't willing to admit that to myself.  It took a few dropped Skype calls and finally a phone call with my family to allow myself to admit to my mom and to myself that today it seems like a struggle.  It's funny how just the question, "honey whats wrong?" from mom can make those shaky walls of perceived strength crumble and allow me to fall into the 'arms' of my mamma and just have a good cry.  Of course my friends here understand and can empathize with that feeling and my host family is nothing but supportive but sometimes there is nothing like the kind words of family to give myself the permission to break down for a little bit and be sad for a little.  


A very wise man I know wrote these words in his blog back in October of 2011.  This post was talking about being ambivalent towards our inner feelings and how the body and mind will process them regardless of whether we give ourselves permission to or not.  It talks about the conflict that we can have as Christians when we want to believe those verses about God doing whats best for us but not always feeling that inside and how it's okay to admit that.  The words of this man were as follows:


"Finding yourself in a place where you can be honest about the way you feel, even when it does not make sense or jive with your better judgment, can save you from the stress that is caused by ambivalence."


"The truth is that we all experience stress-causing ambivalence from time to time. If we were to allow ourselves to be honest about the conflicting feelings we experience, we could alleviate some of the inner turmoil that we often explain away as ambiguous distress, sadness, or anxiety."

I thank God for blessing me with a wonderful, supportive family and for giving me a wise friend who has helped me so I am able to be in a place of being okay with processing my emotions.  Also for a sister who encourages me to still take advantage of every opportunity because this really is a once in a lifetime chance that I probably won't get again.  

Probably gonna try and get some homework done and hang out with my host brother and sister.  I feel so grateful every day that God has placed me in a family with such wonderful kids that make me laugh and smile.  Thanks as always for reading :).