Enjoying the Passengers Seat

"Faith never knows where it is being led; it knows and loves the One Who is leading. It is a life of faith, not of intelligence and reason, but a life of knowing Who is making me 'go.'" --Oswald Chambers, in Not Knowing Whither from the Quotable Oswald Chambers.

I can tend to a huge control freak.  I want to know where and when and how and want to be in charge of the way those things are answered.  There is something so freeing about getting to go on an adventure where things are spontaneous and spur of the moment but still even in those times there is a plan and an end goal to accomplish.  I feel like this move to Philly has completely ripped the map of control and predictability from my hands and left me behind the wheel not knowing which way I should go.  Sometimes my heart hurts so, so bad for the familiarity and knowledge of the atmosphere of home or college or even my brief stink in Mechanicsburg.  I miss that ease that can come with being in a place that is who you are and what you know and where you feel so comfortable with the people you are with they can at times feel a part of you. 

In just a little over two weeks, I will have been in Philadelphia for seven months.  Seven months of adjustment, new, adventure, fun, and some struggle.  Struggle to give up that control of where I want to lead and go from how I pictured my job to where I live to my social support system.  The ability that God has had to slowly break me down to a point of infantile trust has been humbling and truly hard at times.  I miss home and family some days I wish I could pick up and fly back to the BP, sitting on those familiar green couches of home with some Ellen, Bentley, and family.

Even with all that wishing and hoping for what is overly familiar, God continues to make my life “go” as Ozzy Chambers says….makes it go in wonderful, terrifying, exciting directions that I could have never planned.  Forces me to move on from that comfort zone of 20+ years and live fully dependent on Him.  Fully dependent on a God that yearns for us to come to Him with all of our anxieties and a heart of thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6) cause He’s got this in the bag.  I mean I will take a peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7) than any plan that my intelligence and reason could come up with.  A plan to bless me more than I can begin to ever be thankful for in caring and wonderful friends who have become a sort of family here….friends who have become family in my faith in spontaneous connect group sessions and relaxing meals full of laughter. 

I can venture to say that I am not the only one who can struggle from time to time with a heart that wants to take the drivers seat.  But I hope and pray, for myself and everyone I love, that we can do a quick switch at the next red light to let God get behind the wheel, and take in the beautiful scenery that is our life.  Nothing makes God happier than when we take that chance to trust Him and choose life in Him (Deuteronomy 30:19)…not life of our planned circumstances or what we dreamed those circumstances would be but a life in what He has so intricately planned and provides for our good.

Take home point:  struggles happen, God wants to hear them, choose life in Him for a life beyond what anyone could imagine….good night folks J   

Happy New Year, Happy Heart

Last night I had the chance to ring in the new year with some of my very wonderful friends from Messiah.  I knew it was going to be great fun with lots of laughs but I underestimated how wonderful it would be for my heart.  With a move to a new city, a new job with lots to learn, and living in a new home, my heart had been missing that genuine company of my Messiah family that I had come to love so, so quickly while living in Mechanicsburg.  Although I had only lived there for just over 6 weeks, the joy, laughter, and fun that ensued was so freaking great.  Each and every one of these girls in the pictures below (and those not as well!) gave me that rejuvenation I needed and I truly, full heartedly believe helped me to be in such a wonderful place to interview well and land my job at CHOP.  

I think the connection and bond of true friend cannot be overstated.  That connection that God gives each and every one of us with the people we can call our second family is something I have come to learn over my years of college, living in Guatemala, and moving about the state of PA post grad school.

Nothing particularly crazy or extraordinarily story worthy happened last night but I think I smiled and felt so happy for over an hour into my drive back to Philly.  A night of story telling, memory making, and reminiscing with people you genuinely connect with deep down just made my somewhat lonely heart filled.

I do not regret for even a fraction of a second moving and taking a job in a city where I knew very few.  I love what I do and truly feel that God has called me to this place and feel so unbelievably blessed to get the chance to put my passion into work.  But sometimes talking about that weekend you literally lost all of your possessions and had to call AAA to tow your car, making honest to goodness plans to play your own version of True American because you all are obsessed with New Girl, talking in British accents all the way to Hershey Kiss drop (or raise lol), dancing like fools to some teeny bopper band with everyone around us staring, and having long talks over pancakes and orange juice juice-boxes about all things medical breathes life into a heart that sometimes aches for that true connection of friends who have know you through so many of life's phases.

A lot of adjusting happens when a pretty major life change happens like moving to a new city and starting a new job.  These times come with a small amount of grieving for what was left behind and how some things in the new might be different.  I remember feeling so much of this when I was living in Guatemala.  There were times when the new and different was great but could overwhelm; but ultimately how from across countries my best friend in the whole world was able to lift my heart with strategic cards prepared well in advance to my trip and packed away in my suitcase for times when it was so needed.  I think that is what this New Year's Eve, on the brink of 2014, was….it was a strategically dated card that I could open and read just when I needed it; a shared experience that could be laughed about and rejuvenate the soul.  It was that reminder that although a lot of things have changed very quickly over the past few months that God brings you back together with those people who have become your second family to remind you that your foundation is still there; it might be living a little further away than you'd like but bring it all back together…it's like you were never apart :).

So here is to the happiest of New Year's to my Messiah family, my Pittsburgh family, my family family (lol), and my new family that is beginning to form here in Philly.  If I can be blessed with even half the joy, love, and happiness that my Messiah family has brought and still brings, I will be overjoyed.  And I just know that God has that and more planned as this new year begins and my new 'family' of friends is forming in a new city.  

I end this post with the wise words from the great Mr. Rogers:

“In the external scheme of things, shining moments are as brief as the twinkling of an eye, yet such twinklings are what eternity is made of -- moments when we human beings can say "I love you," "I'm proud of you," "I forgive you," "I'm grateful for you." That's what eternity is made of: invisible imperishable good stuff.” 

New Year's eve was only one night, 6 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of life, three girls nights are nothing to the days spent focused on work, but it sure does make for the 'good stuff' that I wouldn't trade for the world.  

Happy, happy 2014 everyone :).

CCLS! :-D

Certified Child Life Specialist (CCLS)!!!!

Silver Linings of the Day

So I have a lovely friend who I worked with at the daycare always puts up silver linings of her day or in other words little things that were positive throughout her day. I don't think I've ever told her how encouraging this is among all the crazy and sometimes sad things that we often hear and I have always loved the idea and figured why not start now?! :). I really would like to try and do this every day if I can because I think it is always so so important to recognize the silver linings and blessings that God has put in my path each day :).

Silver linings:
*coming home to the world's cutest pup
*dinner with then parents
*Ellen!
*an encouraging internship supervisor
*great internship friends
*laughterrrr
*books that remind me of that yearning in my heart for Africa from a friend who touches my heart all the time

I Am New

Who I thought I was
And who I thought I had to be
I had to give them both up
Cause neither were willing
To ever believe

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I'm dearly loved
I am new

This is my new favorite song right now.  It is literally like God has written it for me.  I really love it when that happens and it reminds me of how God is always trying to speak to us in small ways like through songs, reminding us that he is always keeping us in His heart and calming any anxieties that sit within our hearts.  

One of the things that has always helped me when I am feeling anxious or when the panic feels like its coming to the surface, listing my blessings in my life has always helped to ignite the hope into my heart and understand that God is completely in control :).  

1. The love of family
2. Visiting college friends like no time has passed :)
3. The hope of God
4. My puppy :)
5. Good health
6. Cuddling under a blanket in a warm comfy house
7. Finishing my master's classes
8. Starting my internship at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh!


Reminding myself of these blessings helps me to remember to "think less, pray more".  Think less...pray more.  I love that thought and am excited to see how praying more can become a more automatic reaction than over thinking and worrying.  God is great and I am excited for another year to learn that.  Happy new year all :).  

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy
1. Give up your need to always be right 2. Give up your need for control 3. Give up on blame 4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk 5. Give up your limiting beliefs 6. Give up complaining 7. Give up the luxury of criticism	8. Give up your need to impress others 9. Give up your resistance to change 10. Give up labels 11. Give up on your fears 12. Give up your excuses 13. Give up the past 14. Give up attachment 15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations

I found this online somewhere and it was one of those things you read and think "oh my goodness this is so true". As I was reading through it I thought "I need to let that go...oh and that..ooo and that too haha".  God teaches us always :).

My plan B, God's plan A

Sometimes when I make plans and they don't work out exactly the way I was thinking, I say to myself "alrighty then lets just go to plan B".  I can't tell you how many times I have said that over the past few weeks during the application, interview, and waiting process of applying for Child Life internships.  As the process was going on and I was getting some interviews and a few "no's", I started to think to myself that I should probably get my ducks in a row for graduating just in case I don't get chosen, aka plan B.

Yesterday (the 9th) was Offer Day for all of the applicants who had applied.  Every hospital around the country has to let their applicants know by this date and then applicants have 24 hours to accept or deny the hospitals offer.  Needless to say, I woke up yesterday nervous but excited because I felt like my Pittsburgh interview had gone so well and I most likely would be accepted and that yesterday was gonna be a day of celebration.  As the day wore on, no email came and I started to wonder if plan B was really going to happen and was preparing myself to be okay with that plan.  I was processing my emotions of disappointment but really trying to turn my thoughts towards God and allowing myself to be surrounded by His comfort and trust.

It was as I was going to be last night (with still no answer from CHP) that I realized as I was planning for plan B, I was in a way saying that I thought I had control over the situation.  If this process has reminded me of anything it is just this: that I in fact do not have control and that God has the ultimate and best laid plan for my life.  I realized that as I was looking at mediocre plan B, the one where I would have to wait another semester to complete and internship and have to something other than what I thought should come next, I was doubting what God could do in my life.  I was running away from the peace-filled trust that can only happen when I honestly believe that God has my best in mind and wants to "offer me life to the fullest" (John 10:10).  If my time in Guatemala had taught me anything it was that God wanted to bless me with the chance to live life to the fullest and trust in the plans He has to help me "to prosper, not to harm me, to give me a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).  As I was falling asleep last night I realized or was reminded I suppose that often times what I perceive as plan B is usually God's fantastic plan A....the one He wanted me to have in order to give me the best and fullest life dedicated to Him.

The amazing thing is today I got an email with an internship offer at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh!  I was hopeful and I thought just maybe, but I had my doubts and was starting to feel the disappointment.  I know that God had this in His plans, for whatever reason, to make me wait a day longer than I thought, to have me stay in Pittsburgh for just a little bit longer, to remain in His comfort because things of this world don't always go at our timing.  I'm not gonna lie, I wanted the chance to go to a new hospital and move to a new city and venture off.  For those who know me well, I love to be on the move but for some reason God has me here and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has me here for an amazing reason and I am excited to be able to reminde myself of that everyday.  I feel so so blessed to have been offered the internship at CHP and can't wait to see where God takes me as His plan unfolds. :-D